Monthly Archives: June 2015

Mindfulness and Finding Life Balance – Part 11 – Dealing Mindfully with a Breakup

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 Dealing Mindfully with a Breakup

Breakups are unarguably painful. Mindfulness theory asks us to accept romantic pain as a part of life and then let it go, meaning not bringing the pain forward. In the land of Mindful, people can live with loss and still live a life of hope. There are no winners in breakups. Everyone loses and gains in some form or another.

Breakups are sad, but they all have some sort of silver lining. We can continue to fret about being alone again, or we can find gratitude in what we learned from the relationship and how it will raise our intuition for next time.

When you’ve been dumped, give yourself sufficient time to heal. Try to gently distract yourself from reaching out to your ex-partner. Texts or phone calls only serve as a temporary fix. Your hurting heart needs more than a band aid. If you happen to run into him/her, understand that it may bring back some hope, but be mindfully aware that you are still vulnerable. What would it be like going through another breakup with the same guy/gal?

Magical thinking is when you believe you can single-handedly turn love around, but this is doing the opposite of living in the moment. Initiating a reconnection to see if he/she still feels something for you may only bring you more heartache in the end.

If he/she wanted you back, they would have made attempts to reach out and let you know they had a change of heart. Mindful folks know that love is beautiful, but along with the ecstasy, there can, and will be, some agony. So if you still want to contact him/her, acknowledge beforehand that you may be hearing an angry voice on the other side. Accept the truth that persuasion in this regard will a probably not end well for either of you. As you do that, remember that they have come to know that there is not much they can say or do to make things better. It is your turn now to do the same. The best you can do for yourself is nurture and revisit the love you have for yourself while leaving your ex-partner alone.

Change Your Shoes for a Minute

Now, try putting yourself in the other person’s life for a moment. If you were the one that ended things, how would you take it if they tried to contact you? Chances are you would not take their initiation very well. You may want to use this mindful tool when the urge to speak to them comes up. If it does, just let it come up and gradually let it out of you. That’s where a good cry can come in and save more embarrassment as well as pain.

There is nothing like being around people who love and admire us. Friends and family can be there for you during this hard time. They can be instrumental in keeping your mind busy in the moment. Gratitude goes a long way here, so if you are whining too much, or treating them disrespectfully, you might find yourself once again being shut out. They want to see that you can help yourself too. The best thing to do with them is to be active.

Recovery

Planning a get-away, going on hikes, and window shopping are just a few activities that can get you through rough patches. Avoid any mood altering substances. Since you are already feeling down why add alcohol or drugs to that? We need to expose our hurts rather than hide them. Living in the now is a choice and it is time to get out of the house and be in the world. Throwing yourself into a project, work or hobby is the best remedy for managing your woes about your ex-partner.

Even though you might not feel like it, you can still embrace change and take healthy chances. Yes, you may have entangled your life with your ex-partner, but you can find new forms of emotional security, it doesn’t have to just come from one person.

Mindful people know that change has its ups and downs, but nonetheless it helps you grow. If you let change naturally happen, you’ll see that you can grow beyond this and thrive.

Some people, no matter how much they try, can’t get over a break-up. If this should be the case for you, seek professional help.

In the meantime, know that rejection is one of the hardest things to cope with. You’ll be stronger for it though by hanging in there and letting the joy flow back into your veins.

Suggested Readings

The Breakup Bible, by Rachel Sussman

It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

Mindfulness and Finding Life Balance – Part 10 – Arguing Mindfully

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Arguing Mindfully

People argue — even in the most loving relationships. The image of Mindfulness is one of peace with oneself and the world, but that is not reality. So how do you argue mindfully?

It may sound counter-intuitive but conflicts can lead to closeness.  The only exception is when people become deliberate or malicious in their intent to hurt one another with their temper, tone and words.

With that said, arguing typically occurs when our requests for nurturing, reassurance, or space fall on deaf ears.

Unfortunately, too many couples start arguing when they are either hungry, tired, bored, overwhelmed or lonely.  Under these conditions, arguments that start off as calm disagreements can easily degenerate into swearing and yelling matches.

This kind of arguing can leave each party feeling emotionally barren or wounded. More often than not, mismanaged rather than mindful arguing can easily mess up our future plans, happy occasions or even a good night’s sleep.

There are no winners in these kind of disputes.  Sometimes they can last for hours, days or even weeks.  Running away from arguments altogether actually can make things worse for everybody.  Stockpiling mental ammunition against the other usually leads to withdrawal.

Unresolved arguments are no better.  They can deepen resentments, cause festering, and drain our motivation to be mindful.

How to Argue Mindfully

The key to mindful arguing is to shift attention from nasty fighting to gentle conflict resolution.

Mindful arguing can occur when the couple accepts responsibility for their emotions and avoids blaming, judging or shaming.

Besides shifting your focus away from the person to the problem, owning your part of the argument, and saying sorry when you screw up, try practicing the mindful mnemonic “LOVED” below.  In doing so, you’ll likely feel more energized and cared for by your partner.

Being mindful when arguing takes practice, but isn’t rocket science.

The LOVED Mnemonic

L:   Listen how your partner expresses their concerns

O:  One at a time, take turns breaking down the problem

V:  Validate and reflect back what you see and hear your partner say using “I” statements

E:   Express why this issue is important to you right now

D:  Discuss with calmness and ease how things can be made different and decide on a possible solution to test out

 References

William Harley, PhD. How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage. www.MarriageBuilders.com.

John Kabat-Zinn, MD. Mindfulness Based Stress Management.  https://psychalivemedia.pivotshare.com/media