Coping with Unexpected and Sudden Loss

Arlene K Unger, PhD

We all know that life is finite but when a death comes suddenly it can throw us into traumatic grief and shake up our world. No one is exempt from loss, death, or grief but when it comes suddenly, we can “free fall” into a chasm of despair, as noted by clinical psychologist Glenda Dickonson, one of the leading commentators on grief. This despair can keep us trapped in a state of numbness, confusion, and disbelief for weeks.

When we become fixated on the loss it makes our bereavement complicated and embedded in our minds as catastrophic. This often occurs when we refuse to talk about the person we lost or end up dwelling on the why, what really happened, and will it happen to us or someone else we know. This can make the process of letting go or moving on much more difficult and painful.

It is important to differentiate our loss (grief) from our fear (trauma). When we add fear to our grief, we inadvertently become victims of trauma as well as loss. This leaves us feeling powerless which may result in feeling sensations of physical pain, insomnia, irrational fears, and emotional paralysis. A Post Trauma Stress Response to grief may reveal itself in a lack of appetite, motivation, and focus. The above symptoms mirror depression and if not properly addressed may lead to a more serious situational depression.

If you have lost someone and cannot tell if you are experiencing catastrophic/traumatic grief, here are list of additional symptoms:

• Preoccupation with idea of death
• Sympathetic physical pain (which the deceased may have experienced)
• Memories that trigger the trauma
• Loss of hope and longing for the deceased to be here
• Ideation and feeling like life is just not worth living
• Chronic loneliness
• Being overwhelmed, stunned, or dazed
• Jealousy and envy
• Anger and disbelief
• Longing for the person
• “Hearing” the voice of the person who died or “seeing” the person
• Being drawn to places, activities or objects associated with the deceased
• Experiencing disbelief or anger about the death
• Thinking it is unfair to live when this person died
• Being envious of others
• Having difficulty caring about or trusting others or even yourself

Grief comes in all shapes and sizes; everyone grieves in their own way. This is because we have different attachment styles, experiences, coping mechanisms, and ways of thinking about the trauma.

LETTING GO

Whether or not our loss was anticipated, natural or shocking, we need to learn to process it before letting it go. Talking about the deceased, journaling remembrances, writing mock letters, finding positive visualization, or using the creative arts to process our pain such as creating playlists have all been found effective.

The process model of grief recovery aims to eradicate our shame, reduce our emotional overload, and reboot our limbic system. When these do-it-yourself techniques do not restore our faith or relieve our guilt, finding the right therapist can have a huge positive impact. They know how to provide just the right amount of silence, validation, and meaning to what you might be feeling. When it comes to finding an expert to process your traumatic grief (as well as past associated traumatic events) EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Response) therapists are the most effective. They can foster both the healing and closure processes.

Everyone attaches a different meaning to death. When we are dealing with traumatic loss, we tend to add our negative beliefs to grief making us feel much worse and guilty for the loss. We fall into a preverbal “grief hole.” An astute grief counselor can help us out of that hole by detangling our negative thoughts and gradually replacing them with more positive realizations and expectations.

Neuropsychologists have found that our brains naturally want to consolidate our fragmented and upsetting material, integrate this with our immediate reality and plan what happens next. Trained grief counselors can help us learn to be kinder to ourselves, refocus on our needs and the needs of our remaining loved ones. This helps us create new meaning and take steps to slowly move forward. This does not mean we are not sad about our tragic loss; it just gives us the energy to preserve our sense of self with more gratitude in our hearts.

If you think you are dealing with sudden and traumatic grief:

• Find your patience, know that grief has no set timeframe and there is no one right way to grieve
• Embrace kindness and be gentle with yourself
• Allow your feelings of sadness, anger and even joy to show and try not to fear any feelings that come up
• Permit yourself to revisit what happened and replay the experience
• Be creative with ways you can express yourself including pain, loss, and relief
• Remember that grief is an active part of loving and it takes courage to grieve
• Keep a daily routine and structure
• Get help if PTSD symptoms do not remit or only fade gradually

References

Coelho, Stephen “What is Traumatic Grief.” Psych Central, 2022.

Phillips, Lindsey “Untangling Trauma & Grief After Loss.” 2021.

Lim, Jamie “How to Grieve a Traumatic and Violent Death.” 2020.

Resources

• Trauma Survivor’s Network { http://www.traumasurvivorsnetwork.org/pages/home }
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration { https://www.samhsa.gov/ }
• The Center for Complicated Grief’s find a therapist tool { https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/ }
• Hope for Bereaved’s free services and helpline { https://hopeforbereaved.com/ }
• National Alliance on Mental Illness  { https://nami.org }

Arlene K. Unger, PhD is a Telehealth Psychologist in Private Practice in Dana Point. She has been a contracted staff provider with Mission Hospital/SCMC since 2005. Arlene serves on the Mission Hospital Medical Staff Wellbeing Committee. Her other articles, blogs, and books about Mindfulness can be found on her website: www.drarleneunger.com.